Blind Faith
by HeavenlyBodies
Summary: Losing faith and finding it again


**Feedback:** Makes me happy, just play nice  
**Disclaimer:** They belong to Kripke/McG/et al, and a bunch of other corporate-type ppl, in other words, not me.  
**Warnings/Squicks:** angst, esoteric writing, angst, unremorsefully schmoopy concepts (because I needed it!), angst, probable blasphemy, did I mention the angst?!?  
**Summary:** Losing faith and finding it again

**AN:** Jimmy Novak's POV - takes place inside Jimmy's subconscious.

~~~~~~~~~

For months he'd tried to ignore it, telling himself the yearning was merely Castiel's protective instincts; only the angel's concern for the mortal soul he'd plucked from the Pit. But then he found out about Anna, about angels who question, who _feel_. And he questioned.

He'd finally began to put the Anna fiasco behind him, when Uriel was put in charge and demanded those _things_ from Dean- worse, Uriel had made Cas demand them.  
The moment Dean walked into that 'cell' was the moment he'd lost faith.  
He'd yelled and railed, screaming as best he could from inside his own head. It wasn't right. He couldn't believe this was God's Will and, knowing how Castiel cared for Dean, he couldn't believe the angel would simply accept these 'orders'.  
After hours of rattling his metaphysical cage, he stopped. Silently, he cursed angels, he cursed their hypocrisy, he cursed their blind faith. He even cursed himself- for agreeing to carry Castiel, for not being able to get through to the angel, for having had that same blind faith.

And finally, Castiel reacted.

He didn't know if he'd had any affect on the angel's actions but Cas was getting Dean out of that room and that was all that mattered.

---

Once Castiel acknowledged his doubts, once he felt Cas put his faith in Dean, he began to believe again- if only in his angel and Castiel's irreverent charge.

He still didn't know if Castiel could hear him or even sense him, never-the-less, he'd talk to the angel. Tell him it was alright to doubt and question, that he could still have faith even with uncertainty- sometimes more so.

---

Cas was changing, he could sense it. He wasn't presumptuous enough to believe the changes were his doing, but he'd like to think he helped. In truth, the thing affecting the angel most was Dean and Castiel's growing love for him.

---

He doesn't know why he doesn't tell Dean about Castiel's feelings for him, especially after the younger man's reaction to the angel's disappearance. It was obvious Dean cared about the angel more than he let on.

When Cas comes back, things are different and not in a good way. The angel's colder, distant, and afraid. It only takes a few days for him to realize Castiel is blocking him, protecting him from something.  
As frustrated as he is, a thought strikes him- if Cas is consciously blocking him, then the angel _is_ aware of him and can hear him. So he talks.  
He talks about Claire, talks about Amelia, talks about faith, and love, and Dean.  
That's when he _knows_ he's right. Cas can hear him. He can feel the change, even Castiel can't hide that much pain and despair. He recognizes that pain. He's felt it. He feels it every day, every time his thoughts drift to what he gave up. And he decides at that moment that his angel will not live with that pain.

For weeks he talks to Cas. Tells him what a good man Dean is. That the angel shouldn't be afraid to love. He tells him that nothing is as wondrous or as beautiful as shared love.

He watches his angel, and Dean. He watches sadly as Dean tries to coax Cas back to himself, out from behind the protective walls the angel hides behind. And he knows, can see it in the hunter's eyes, that Dean realizes those walls are for his protection, not Cas'.

Slowly, he felt _his_ Castiel return- the real Castiel, the one he believed in, the one who cared and did what was right, the Cas who wasn't a drone. He wanted to hug Castiel for coming back as much as he'd wanted to scream at him for leaving and becoming that mindless, heartless automaton. At least, his faith in the angel hadn't been misplaced.

He continues to talk to Cas, tries to soothe the pain, until, he knows Castiel is ready.  
And finally he tells Castiel the things he'd been longing to tell him, "I gave you my body to save someone I loved. Now, I want you to use it for the one you love. Give me faith again, Cas. Show me the blind faith of love."


End file.
